Synopsis

LYNCH HEINOUSON
PSYCHO VAMPIRE

Lynch Heinouson is a novel in three parts:

Lynch Heinouson: The Early Years

In part one we witness the childhoods of Lynch Heinouson and his future arch nemesis, Jackie Guttierez, as their rather unusual upbringings push them closer and closer to becoming psychopathic mass murderers.
Lynch is the son of Hell Hag, an overenthusiastic prostitute and general bad-ass, whose idea of raising a son involves less hugs, kisses and moral guidance, and more brutal beatings, exposure to sordid sexual practices and advice on how to kill people.
Jackie is a dainty camp little boy being raised by his mother, five over-feminine sisters and his post-op transsexual father, Emma. Needless to say he isn’t the butchest boy in the school playground.

The boys face various challenges involving burning down the local school, being brutally attacked by school bullies, making decisions on the benefits of penis amputation and deciding which Enid Blyton book is the best one.
Encouraged by his mother, Hell Hag, to be more and more of a sadistic killer, eight year old Lynch strives to be the best psychopath he can be, despite his pre-teen size. Meanwhile, as Jackie’s family is slowly killed off in a variety of Lynch-related incidents, Jackie’s sweetly innocent girliness is stretched to breaking point.

While this is going on, Samantha Carriage, an advertising executive, suddenly develops rather accidentally destructive precognitive powers that warn her that a terrible period of doom is approaching.
Finally, following the climactic (but rather amusing) slaughter of Jackie’s entire family, the girl he’s betrothed to and his pet poodles, the feminine little boy takes his grisly revenge on whom he thinks is responsible: Hell Hag; Lynch’s mother. This throws down the gauntlet for the rest of the book as Lynch vows to kill his mother’s killer… even though he doesn’t know who it is and will basically have to kill everybody in the world to get the murderer by process of elimination.

Lynch Heinouson: Psycho Human

In part two, Lynch and Jackie are now grown-ups, however many things have changed.
Lynch is a very busy man who works hard at his goal of mass-genocide by systematically killing everyone in the phonebook one by one. He has reached the letter D.
Jackie on the other hand has now changed his name to Jake Gutt and he’s become his own opposite: an incredibly manly cop whose priorities are beer, gunning down criminals, pizza, gunning down people who look at him funny, beer, pizza and beer.

Hooking up with a sexy young woman named Mimsy who volunteers to be his hostage, Lynch muses on the benefits of scantilly clad sex objects as hostages, compared to old ladies. Although he acknowledges that old ladies are great at baking cookies.
Ultimately Jake and Lynch come into conflict; cop versus criminal; and in a particularly long car chase involving monster trucks, a Reliant Robin, a micro-scooter and a skateboard, they finally battle it out.
Parallel to this however, Percy Harrison: Mediocre Vampire, failed novelist and generally rather pathetic specimen, has been studying Lynch to learn about the nature of evil so that he can pep up his latest rejected manuscript. When he spirits Lynch away from his confrontation with Jake he makes a bargain that could well give Lynch the edge that he needs against his opponent.

Lynch Heinouson: Psycho Vampire 

At the beginning of part three, Lynch has been transformed into a vampire and very much enjoys the extra power this endows, making a bold exploration into the art of killing Welshmen.
Jake Gutt meanwhile runs into Pandora, the girl he was betrothed to who he thought had been killed. Pandora disapproves strongly of his psychopathic tendencies and Jake struggles (fairly unsuccessfully) to clean up his act, even making the supreme sacrifice of trying vegetarian food.
But as these acts of innocence take place, a nefarious plot is underway for terrorists to steal an atomic bomb and burn all of England in the flame of Allah’s merciless barbecue. When Jake and Lynch meet again and Jake realizes that his enemy is now almost impossible to kill, it occurs to him that stopping the terrorists and getting rid of Lynch could all be wrapped up in a pretty nuclear-bomb-shaped parcel.
At the climax of the book, Lynch and Jake (and some other amusing characters I don’t have room to describe) battle it out in the plane carrying the nuke as it careens toward ultimate destruction, both men determined to finish off their arch-nemesis in as unpleasant a way as possible.